It sucks when you choose to stop contact with someone you thought fit just fine in your life. It's also not helpful when they live under the same roof.
A few hours before I typed this post, my brother and I got into the most useless conversation about certain viewpoints. Actually, it was less of a conversation and more just him being increasingly loud as though I wasn't sitting right in front of him. Almost every time I started to speak, he came at me with his incendiary verbiage attacking my living situation, my relationships, and my religion (or lack of religion. Being an atheist didn't fit into his world view apparently.) I tried not to raise my voice, but his constant interrupting was upsetting me. I don't mind real talk about stuff, but when he clearly doesn't want to hear what I would like to contribute to the conversation, then that conversation is over.
Once I got a clear thought break through his mouth noise, I was transported back to heated arguments with my ex. If things didn't go his way on his time, then there were problems. A narcissist doesn't realize that he's not always right. When I connected my brother's tempestuous dialogue to my ex's unbridled behaviour, I no longer felt like I was talking to a brother. People like that are not people I want to know.
I did say, outloud, with words, that I was done with the conversation. He refused to respect that, so I left him still talking at El Cometa... and he walked home.
I'm sure me ditching him will be the only part he'll remember to tell in the story about how his family doesn't understand him. Oh well.
There used to be a time where I didn't want to call people out on their nonsense. I believe in learning and evolving, so I gave people chance after chance. I'm well into my 30s and I realize more and more that there are some people who just.. won't.. learn. I'm certainly not saying I have all the world's wisdom, but the older you get, the more things seem not to deserve as much energy as you thought.
In a reality where previously taboo things are coming to a much needed light, people are realizing the shit ways we communicate. Folks are going no-contact with narcissistic family members. Pedophiles are being called out in every industry. Behaviours that were once normal in a patriarch-oriented, race abrasive, climb-to-overpower-humanity time period are being publicized and reversed.
I know, I know. NOT everyone was like that. NOT everything was bad. If you're this complacent in your current life, you are part of the problem. You are the reason people as a whole are not passed this concept of one person lording over another.
Hell, it's not even always about power. Some members are so unaware of their behaviours that they don't realize how they affect others, or maybe they do and just don't care. I know I'm typing in a general sense, I want this to apply to as many situations as possible for whomever reads this.
I'm still afraid to call people out. I still think they can change. The thing is, I'm the one changing, as I always have. Whether or not you finally become more compassionate, generous, courteous... that's up to you and I hope you choose a better walk through life.
Don't expect me to be there because I might have already waited too long, spent too much energy, or been hurt too many times. No one has to wait on another to change. Make your moves and wish the best for them.
There's something to be said about watching twisted shit on American Horror Story while gently painting cute little gingerbread person ornaments. I have too many projects for my mind to organize and conceptualize, but here I am pretending to put icing on cookies (paint on ceramic).
My usual designs I'm drawn to are turning handsome nutcrackers into vampires and pumpkin lords, then, in the future, killer clowns and zombies.
Not these guys. Granted, these are ornaments I'm painting for my mother, and she certainly would never have asked for bleeding and necrotic gingerbread people.
I have been enjoying blurring the line between aspects of Halloween and Christmas. Most notably, my nutcrackers designed not only for Halloween/Samhain but also those who enjoy a spooky Christmas/Yule. Maybe I have finally found my niche? It's a seasonal niche, but I can build on it the rest of the year.
'Tis the season. Let's get weird. 🎄👻
Growing up in a Catholic household, I'm no stranger to the giant shadow of God that is casted over a significantly sized pool of indoctrinated minds. Once upon a time, I was one of them... or I tried to be for a little while. Baptized, confirmed, even had a mass for my quinceañera. It all seemed so unnecessary, but it was part of the motions of being raised where I was.
As I learned more about different aspects of spirituality, it's much easier to conclude there doesn't have to be a god to worship. Christian beliefs are Pagan beliefs contorted. Take out the notions of deity-based creation and you have the foundation for respecting the Earth as it is.
I'm not here to convert you or judge you for your beliefs. This is just where I'm at. While Satanism has had a very negative and chaotic opposition, modern followers reject the idea that the devil is a real being. It focuses more on the self, protection and freedom of the self. Get a bunch of people like that together, and you have a congregation of those who preserve and persevere for the betterment of themselves as a whole.
Worship yourself. You are god as you are the source of understanding the god you need. In the end, you will do what you feel is right.
Shine bright for you are made of stardust. Ave Satanas.
First of all, you should know I'm from El Paso and currently living in El Paso, and there is no Cheesecake Factory here. I had a 5 year stint in Dallas that I will always treasure as I save money to make my way back soon, but that's a different story for later.
A semester or so into my classes at the Art Institute of Dallas, I met this guy. Interesting adventuring veteran who was way too loud and talkative most of the time, but I usually go for those who get my attention. (I'm still learning to sort those who get my attention being obnoxious and those who are positively impressive.) This story isn't about him. Frankly, I'd rather just gloss over that time. Fast forward to when I knew I needed space from the relationship and I began looking for peace for myself, some solitude. That's when I started going on what I call "solo dates" to the Cheesecake Factory off Northwest Hwy.
One of my closest long time friends, who didn't even live in Dallas, would "accompany" me via text. Like, I wanted to be alone but not completely, and, if not completely, then with someone I already know I love and trust, you know? I would go to this restaurant alone, sit in one of those small two-seater booths, order a slice of cheesecake I fancied at the moment along with a soda, and just be present there with my friend in text.
Looking for peace was a concept I didn't know I wanted to search for. Life is a chaotic mess and I was used to my environment resigning itself to the chaos instead of stabilizing. My go-to slice of cheesecake was the red velvet. I still am very much drawn to red velvet cake. Yes, it's chocolate dyed red essentially, but it was my best friend for those moments where I didn't have to worry about the troubles at home. My reward for time alone. My reward for realizing I could do so much better with just myself and, someday, the right people. Other times I would get a slice of pumpkin cheesecake, which makes me feel warm and peaceful in the same but a more festive way.
Always take a moment for yourself. You don't have to overdo it to "make up for lost time".
Simply, grab a slice for now.
The brain is a wonderful and scary thing. It's the center of all that is you as far as your corporeal self goes. My world consists of anxiety, depression, love, and peace. Not all at once usually, but the capacity is there. I believe it's there for everyone. Blogging isn't really my style. I like to paint or draw my moods, thoughts, and desires. Stay tuned or don't. No pressure.
A couple of years ago, I was taught a valuable lesson about trust, loyalty, and setting expectations for myself and others. I had convinced myself I would never be satisfied by anyone again, and that mindset really dulled the desire to connect with some pretty great people. Luckily, most have been understanding (another green flag that made them great) and I've been able to keep friendly with them. Luckily. Undeservedly.
The potential awesomeness of people is an aspect I can't ignore when I interact with anyone. It's kept me hopeful in relationships despite the self-deprivation of not feeling fully committed. I guess I believe people are inherently good. It may just be my environment. It could be the way I am with people backed by years of observation and relentless embarrassment. There is no reason for me to be impolite (though I have been), no reason to be angry (though I have a scarily flowing pettiness vein), and absolutely no reason to not love the humans of my life (though I have broken relationships with some).
Living and learning on this plane of existence is a pain in the ass, but I'll be damned if it's not exciting.
So, yes, I will be your friend any day.
Just hit me up.