I had the honour through YesSir Promotions to design this flyer for an event featuring the Billy Townes Jazz Group. If you live in or near El Paso, you should hit this up!
What It's Like To Be In Love When You Have Depression
By Holly Everett
“No one will love you until you learn to love yourself” is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But it’s terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.
I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.
My depression doesn’t care that I am in a relationship with a boy who makes me laugh, tells me I’m beautiful 20 times a day, and cares more deeply for me than any other boy has. I am grateful for the nights he holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. I am thankful that he puts up with my random periods of irritability. He constantly attempts to comfort me if I am suddenly uncomfortable when we’re out in public. He fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths, plays with my hair when I’m having trouble sleeping, and encourages me to eat when I have no appetite. He takes care of me and I never even had to explain myself. I still consciously think to myself, nine months into this relationship, “Wow, someone is in love with me.” I often think about how lucky I am to be loved, regardless of my flaws in chemistry.
This intense love is frightening, because every day, I fear that one more thing will push him over the edge. That one more time of me rolling over in bed, teary-eyed, for no reason, could push him away. I know it upsets him, and I reassure him through my salty, blurred vision that it’s not his fault. I am often overcome with guilt and I hate that my feelings about myself cause any pain on his part. Sometimes he is not easily convinced, but I try as hard as I can with the little energy I have. Some of our nights end in a tight hug and an “I’m sorry” mumbled from my lips, but I’m just thankful that he is still happy to wake up to me every morning.
Every day is a struggle. I am constantly on edge, going back and forth between caring too much and not caring at all, wondering when he will have enough. He is quick to remind me how much he loves me, but I am just as quick to be overcome with crippling doubt. We both know that this is how forever will be, and if he hasn’t given up yet, I’m certain that he is 100% all in.
Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth being loved if you don’t love yourself. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is the reason why you are not in a relationship. Never let anyone tell you that you should smile more, fix your hair, or wear more color. Never let anyone makes you feel bad about what you can’t always control.
Someone will be in love with you regardless of your most comfortable state, and if that happens to be curled up on the floor of your room, crying as you listen to your favorite sad songs, then you have found true love.
Being part of the collective that is the El Paso Youth Symphony Orchestra (not all of us are youths), I get the chance to play Carnegie Hall in NYC - the pinnacle of musical achievement. EPYSO's conductor, Maestro Phillip Garcia, managed to get us invited to play... Us... A bunch of kids and old mofos from El Paso, TX.
June 19th. 2pm. El Paso Youth Symphony Orchestra plays Carnegie Hall. Booyah.
My brother Ivan is part of a film crew working on a documentary about this man, Steven Brewer, who is putting his entire life, soul, and safety into helping the children of Mexico by building a desperately needed orphanage. This film will bring to light the dangers of the cartel and how the thousands of children orphaned by their violence have nowhere else to go but to human traffickers and the drug trade.
This is very real, and everyone needs to help this man get the support he needs to build what will be the largest orphanage in Latin America and will include international adoption rights to find homes for the children.
I'm really proud of you, bro.
I hope this man can fulfill his heroic goal for the lost children of Mexico.
It's taken me a week to even want to talk about this. I mostly wanted to write this post for archival reasons... otherwise, it's to keep whoever reads my blog updated on stuff I give a shit about.
Joey and I bonded over the occult and had a strong connection, which led us to understand each other very well, despite our vastly different backgrounds and tastes. I mean, he even got along with my cats... that's important too... He made the trip to Dallas to visit me, and we had the best time. It was quite possibly the only time we were able to just be together with little to no worry... to just be in a world all our own, and I'm glad I got that chance.
I'm hearing stories about how he was in a relationship with a seemingly unstable partner. From what I gather, she kept him from talking to any of his lady friends, including me... He took me off his Facebook and was very laconic in his texts. A few days after his passing, his FB was deleted, which led us all to believe it was her, since his mother was devastated the profile was gone.
I wish I could do something for you, Joey. I'm still waiting for your punk ass to come out of nowhere and say it was all a joke or that you faked everything to start a new life. I love you and I fucking miss you.
Joeseph Edward Wetzel
9/22/87 - 4/11/16
You'll never be forgotten. Rest in peace, my dear friend.
This is an example of something I haven't had time for. Ever since I moved back to El Paso, I haven't set up my altar. You can accuse me of not being pagan/Wiccan enough to not have this be a huge part of my life, but in all honesty, I'm not. Being close to the earth and having an altar is my right of meditation and none of your concern. I have my things I'm comfortable using... all boxed up in storage.
Hopefully, I escape from my parents' house soon and resume my contentment of my daily thankings to the earth... BB.
It doesn't matter the religion, your beliefs... Just be a good fucking person. Even when life is giving you shit, live for yourself and you'll be fine. Even I've been getting hate in some parts of my life, but you know what? I stick with what's real. The facts and the path those facts are paving.
My witchy side is begging I plant something this year... to grow with the earth.
Last night at the hookah lounge, Thugsta and the EP Soldiaz went on stage for the first time in almost 10 years. I announce this because I was lucky enough to have some part in that reunion performance. Thugsta asked me to recreate and update his logo he used 7 years ago, and he really approved of what I did!
I do work for Third Eye Entertainment... It's up-and-coming and building a following fast here in good ol' Chucotown. Keep an eye out for my work, El Paso. ;)
"Your crazy matches my crazy." - Wade Wilson
There's always something with my left contact lens. I'm going to run out of those before I run out of the right lenses. Ha... ANYWAY
Welcome back to the blog no one reads. It's not like I divulge secrets and such, despite my mini description of the blog. The stuff I'd like to talk about with you cant be made public... at least not now.
About my personal life, just know I'm in love...
(Edited for clarification. Also edited to suit my procrastination... just kidding. I've basically been sick all month.)
Here are the rules...
I will draw and post the list of winners March 4th, so make sure you check the Facebook page in case you won a sketch! (Pages can't tag people...) OPEN TO MY INTERNATIONAL FRIENDS.
These are the first three sketches! :)
This month so far has been full of interesting things.
Found a mate... He's perfect. I wasn't even in the market to be with anyone, but this one got my attention in a very intense way. Started my new year with him. *girl feelings*
Started designing for local band, Against The Edge. Their music is posted on the main page of this site.
Started designing for the up and coming Third Eye Entertainment. My Leo pridemate, Chris, has this fiery drive and determination that will get him far.
My iMac went out of commission for a little while, and I'm super glad to have it back! Now I'm updating EVERYTHING.
The more I think about it, February will actually be better. Git it.