Helplessness VS Hopelessness
You know that feeling of childlike embarrassment? Your drink spilled, you ruined your clothes, you didn't mean to.. you know you're going to get in trouble and you hate yourself long before your mother gets to you. How could you have been so clumsy, so stupid?... I've never been too open about depression. It sucks. I'd rather not talk about it, but I know there are others out there who understand to some degree. I can't tell if I'm trying to reach out or just allow people to relate so I know I'm not alone.
There are so many ways depression can go, so I'm not speaking in a general sense. I also hope you don't try to put my personal disease in a box suited to make you feel better. My least favorite thing I think about, aside from the helplessness, is whining during times I can't fully function as a human. Like, when I forget to do the laundry because I'd rather cry in bed or do literally anything else that benefits no one.
Hopelessness comes at the bottom of this sick mental game. I can't do anything right and everyone hates me. Why do I bother when I'm just going to screw it up? The most beneficial thing for me to do is lay in bed and sleep forever... That way I don't hurt anyone or say anything wrong...
There are days the fog lifts and I feel pretty normal. Well.. "normal". It's always cloudy here. Despite being fully aware of my mental discordance, sometimes I convince myself I belong here in the dark.
I know how to be sad.
I just need to remember I'm capable of good days too.
The love of my life is a drummer who sets the beat of my heart to the rhythm of his soul.